EXPECTATIONS THAT SPELL – ABUSE

Growing up as a child one remembers the painful sounds of panic that emanated from my father and mother’s bedroom. They were the sounds of a dying flame, extinguished and strangled by society’s expectations of what a relationship should be between a married couple. Screaming expectations that drive all men and women to committee the sin of adultery - even though their actions were not forged to hurt anyone, they ended up traveling in these but all familiar spousal roads with dark cul-de-sacs.

These expectations that lead to abuse commence with infatuation, leading to a road flamed with endless passionate nights that are tranquil with smiles of joy and hallucinations of a trouble free life. Followed by vows of promise that procreates, thus bring more expectations and insurmountable hills of responsibilities, which render more trouble to a relationship that was in tatters and had no time to learn its ways; “time” being the operative word - a relationship that was forged by sex not truly loving mutual ways.

Too many relationships in society start off by skipping a number of steps that make a relationship to what it should be. Steps, which are vital in moulding two personalities with two separate minds, two separate hearts; into a single harmonies vessel of two hearts in one mind with caring, sharing, and understanding. Flowing unaltered, unfaltered by the troubling, broiling storms that rise and surge with marriage.

Troubling screeching screams that emanated from that bedroom, were followed by a tag-of-war, of who-knows-what, only be known by their harsh shifting footsteps, then slaps and punches that all landed straight on the fragile façade of my mother’s face, (evident the next morning) – all, but one calculated punch. One punch that killed the elegant dark brown antique glass of my then, belated paternal grandmother’s bedroom door along with little love my parents shared. After many punches that landed plainly on their target, denouncing the legitimacy of their quickly forged relationship. Abuse, physical to be exact, is what took place in that bedroom, after a long brawl of verbal and emotional abuse.

In the morning, my infantile eyes would patrol the quiet kitchen and living-room space from an ajar bedroom door - after tiptoeing from a fearful late night strained sleep. In my childish sleepy eyes, the evidence would show its self – abuse; evident in my mother’s face.

Expectations that lead to such horrendous spousal cul-de-sacs are witnessed everywhere in today’s society. Recently, our South African television screens were splashed with a news inset of a police officer that got into a squabble with a man that was with his wife in a car, that the police officer bought with his money for his wife – only to find out his wife is having an affair with another man. The altercation ended in tragedy when the police officer pullout his gun and shot his wife, her boyfriend and then himself, right in front of his colleague. Now, what you need to ask yourself is - why was she having an affair after he bought her a car? We’ll never know.

A friend of mine was also recently milled in a bad relationship with his wife of two and half years, who has borne him a young healthy boy (the wife). Counseling both of them; followed a period of a lengthy emotional struggle between the two – both withstanding their own views to be the ultimate correct view. It dawned on me that these guys were two similar poles that repelled each other. How do two people get into such a character minifying position in their marriage? Well this is what happened, as my friend succinctly explained - They met at a social gathering, had sex, moved in together, paid Lobola (which is equal to a married in tradition), started fighting, had a baby and had more intense aggressive fights (signs of abuse); now he wants out and she doesn’t want to let go. It all transpired too quickly, by the time they found out who the other was, it was over.

In more counseling sessions with my friend, after a mutually agreed upon separation between the two - he reluctantly admitted at upholding certain expectations towards his wife and vise-versa - expectations that were never met from either side.

Love at times harbors abusers and abusers at times render love as a weapon to perpetuate their abusive ways. It is said that love is blind - therefore the abused may think that being made a punching bag, is a form of love or being loved. Of cause, this love comes with certain enmities concealed by couples who move in together after a brief period of getting acquainted, that are camouflaged by materialism. As opposed to couples who build their lives from nothing into wealth, then part amicably when their lives come to a cross-road. (Not buying gangsters to kill your spouse and set then alight in a boot of a car somewhere in the wilderness)

Kneeling down in that corridor, aged five, listening to my father and mother’s arguments that ultimately led to their divorce – a certain truth dawned upon my tiny emotionally dingy body. There was no love left between my parents, as there is still no-love-loss between them to this day. Why? As I frequently articulate to both my parents when they verbally scorn each other behind each other’s backs – “You should have taken time to know each other.”

Getting to know your partner is an essential role as to what your own role is in your relationship or marriage. Each partner embodies certain qualities that complement what the other partner may lack in character or emotion. When complementing personalities merge, a symmetry of emotional security, (minus financial security) is forged with mutual respect, thus creating a long-lasting stable relationship that builds both partners emotionally, mentally and financially. At times a personality merges with a personality that may prove in a long run to be incompatible mainly due to some emotional imbalance, which leads to abuse, adultery, or an emotional detachment from either partner. Materialism is not a form of love; it is a condition that may dissipate at any given moment if not properly secured.

A Wiseman once articulated: “We are captives of our own identities, living in prisons of our own creation.” Let’s free ourselves from our own personally created prisons and merge our identities with those of our partners – subsequently finding common ground that is filled with inner peace and mutual love, consequently eliminating abuse in any form.

Love Free!

WORD TO A NEW REVOLUTION