THE STIGMA OF BEING AN ABUSER

It is a monastic attitude to attach a label on any individual that rebels against a system of abuse; in any abusive form. It is a universal ideological stand point that an abuser is made – no woman or man, wakes up and decide that today, I am going to be an abuser.

A fundamental question to ask is: ‘Why does an individual become an abuser?’ It is a pragmatic concept of fighting fire with fire. When an individual lives in a secluded environment and is constantly being bombarded with impromptu verbal abuse about things that do not concern them, or things that do not have any bearing on their livelihood; it creates verbal altercation which ends up with someone getting slapped or gravely beaten up.

What a Verbal Abuser doesn’t comprehend, is that when you shout at a another person without explaining or communicating your concerns in a proper grown up way, they create a mental confusion to the recipient of that verbal attack. In the cloud of that confusion nothing the Abuser says is coherent because of the way it is communicated, alternately renders a similar reaction from the shouted-at-recipient or abused.

In most cases, women are Verbal Abusers to their spouses and at times to their siblings. Some women want their way out of a relationship hence succumb to verbal abuse as an instructive or defense mechanism, to ‘this is what I want and I am going to get it, as I want it’; or as frustration to what life is dishing up for them, ‘I am not content with you, so I am going to shout at you to make you leave me or make you change’.

No one wants the stigma of being an abuser, however when an individual goes into a home environment, they want to lay back, do an introspection and retrospection about their life, what’s to come in their life, and how to approach certain situations. No one wants to go into their homely environment and be verbally attacked or shouted at about things that they cannot change.

When I am a sensible, quiet man and my woman comes and shouts at me, my initial reaction would be: ‘What is going on? What does she want? Why are you shouting?’ And if that shouting continues I am inadvertently going to get angry at ‘what are you shout at me for?’ I will take my hat and walk away, however if my woman sees that picture of walking away as some form of weakness; constantly wants a reaction from me as man, night after night, week after week: ‘I am shouting at you! What? You not man enough to stop me?’ The mouth is mightier than the hand.

The stigma of abuser will fall on me as a man because, by societies standards I am physically stronger than my weakling woman that shouts to stir up trouble – then cites abuse as justification to what happened in the relationship. My man is an abuser, not me, him! The hand is mightier than the mouth.

Conclusively, an abuser is a victim of another abuser. Relationships are based upon reciprocal attitudes. When you treat me with respect, I will in turn reciprocate that respect to you. Taking my hat and walking away in the heat of an argument, is an ideal honorable thing to do when you are verbally harassed. However when you continuously give me fire, I will undoubtedly overtime return that fire with a more vicious intent. Why? Because, I am also a sensual human being that feels, and that doesn’t want to be verbally, emotionally harassed.

Abusers are made, therefore when an individual wants to instigate a violent reaction towards another individual, they do that as a cry out for help. They do not know better than perpetuating the same abuse that was reciprocated to them.

WORD TO A NEW RESPECTFUL RECIPROCAL REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala