Selfish Acts: Playing the Blaming Game

It’s quite extraordinary what individuals go through in their relationships, especially when their union is troubled with constant spats regarding issues in their affair. Some of those issues arise from various expectations and responsibilities that each partner has towards their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend in that relationship. In many relationship-counseling sessions held with various couples from different walks of life, and through discussions with other counselors - many couples’ biggest barrier, that ultimately lead to the relationship’s demise, is blame-shifting.

Blame-shifting is one of the major selfish acts that couples unintentionally or, in some cases intentionally impose, emotionally, mentally or at times verbally towards their partners. When an individual gives away their power and responsibility in their relationship and forget what it means to communicate your aims and intentions within that particular relationship, truthfully and with respect, the blaming game starts surfacing amid their conversations. Finger-pointing, of what the other did or did not do, ether towards their psychological or physical welfare at a certain point in the relationship, can lead to endless emotional, verbal and physical abuse in your relationship.

Blame-shifting in society is generally prevalent towards women and seen as a social norm that men show towards women with slightly different behavioral tendencies, to what constitute a ‘proverbial’ woman. Many women are humiliated in public because, their dress-code commands rape upon them, some women are shamed, because their movements are manly and they fancy the same women that men want. At times, a tendency perceived by society in the streets is emulated by an individual within their close confines - a man that walks away from his child, blames that child’s mother for why he left a fetus that will be child for not being accommodative enough. A boy that makes a young girl pregnant blames the girl for giving him the fruit, or blames other man for putting the hot bun in the oven - An incessant circle of abuse, on shifting the blame from your selfish acts to the next person, for you to flee that particular situation.

During South Africa’s oppressive years, black men were blamed for ill-treating their women, whilst black men themselves were oppressed. Therefore, when the country was emancipated black women blamed black men for placing shackles around them, in all societal spheres, forgetting that the white oppressor had shackles around black men as well as black women on the similar Apartheid plateau. Today black men are blamed for not giving black women a ladder in all business avenues in this country. Are women shifting the blame? Is it the black men to blame for the past-oppressor? Are their black sons to blame for their fathers absconding on them and their family?

Township dwellers, predominantly in rural South Africa, have a tendency of blaming their neighbours of ‘Witchcraft’, which leads to some neighbours shifting their residential problems to people who are not in the least bit concern about what’s happening in their homes. This type of mob, blame-shifting is extremely dangerous mainly due to rumours scattered by a mob of people that dislike a particular person or family, thus branding them heretics - hated by all because they are easy to blame for creating supernatural occurrences that are hard pinpoint or proved to be real.

Individuals seek to escape their blame tendency by creating lies, on top of others lies and try to push the blame to people around them, be it friends, siblings, or their lovers. To take ownership of your own choices and actions of what you become in future is the hardest thing and the right thing to do. In a relationship your partner can only influence you; however it’s your choice to be influenced – if you know that your partners is a drug user, and you allow that partner to be part of your life, then do not propagate blame upon your partner to all and sundry, without analyzing the choices you made in that relationship that turned you into a druggie too – by avoiding the blame that is directed at you.

Even though physical abuse or any form of abuse, for that matter cannot be condoned, an abuser cannot carry on abusing you, unless you allow that abuser to keep abusing you – it may be hard, but walk away, stop blaming your partner for loving you too love and showing his affection by beating you. On the contrary, stop blaming yourself for his abusive tendency. Stop blaming your husbands or wives for not telling them how you really feel about your relationship, the result that led you to commit adultery.

Blaming your partner, friends or anyone in any situation can destroy the solid foundations which formed your relationship. Individuals take physical or psychological escapes by blaming their selfish actions on other individuals, thus fail to own up and mend on their past or immediate abusive selfish acts. Shifting the blame, from what you as an individual had to contribute to your relationship’s demise, is the easy way out. Acknowledge your own faults and fix them - in your relationship your partner can only influence you, however it’s your choice to be influenced. Blame-shifting drives an individual to highways of self-pity, self-worthlessness and makes you a self-protective chronic liar, that doesn’t care about anyone else’s self-love and self-worth; ultimately destroying your own transcending love and self.

WORD TO A NEW BLAME ACKNOWLEDGMENT REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala