THE TREE OF SELF: When the Self Belongs

It is indispensable for the self to find a sense of having and knowing where it belongs, a close niche family that understands and loves you; a career path that bequeaths a sense of self-worth and self-affluence; and a place to gather up your inner spiritual power in order to face another day, in spite of your shortcomings or disappointments, in this world –these are just a touch of the fundamental building blocks to strengthening the self in you.

The self has a deepening need of knowing its true origins and why it exists and why it is life. So many questions have been asked of why we are and where we are headed as humans and these questions have contributed to a lot of confusion to us, as humankind, which have led to countless pursuits of our existence, with numerous archeological excavations dedicated to our civilization’s cultural interactions and social behavior – which is, in all honest reality, is just a touch of who we are and why we are.

The tree of self is the route of who and what you are in this life, reflecting from what your lineage is and how it was manifested. Be known to all humans, we are a mixture and flamboyant abundance of Races that have, in all cases roamed the earth through evolution, to be where we are and what we are. However, that does not answer who we are and what is the next step to our evolution as humans. The things we do in this world are things we do to feel at home with ourselves, however at times those things do not make us reach our true contentment. The debatable is not the metaphysics of who we are and the physical of what we are, but the metaphysics, physical and spiritual, us one to form a completeness of an individual’s journey in life.

A spiritual journey amongst other things is derived in many ways through various cultures, traditions, religions and through individual submission or sanctity. Alas, this spiritual journey can never be fully attained by focusing solely on what is physical. Its attainment needs to be a balanced triplicate of metaphysical, physical and inner spiritual. Which is knowledge or enlightenment of the self and other, adjoined with the metaphysical; your shape, temple or body that houses the spiritual; and your authentic self, your inner self which is the spiritual - one needs the other to form a completeness of who you are.

When the self finds a sense of belonging in this world and in all facets that form life, it finds a spiritual place to grow without envy, anger, lust, greed, pride or idleness. The completeness of self is forged and formed by the entirety of the journey of finding the transcending love in self and everything you do towards the attainment of Self belonging. Acting-love is transcending love, which transforms an individual spiritually, mentally and at times physically.

To reiterate - Our bodies are a shrine, a place of worship where true faith begins and where it ends. We are all of love and light and are given choices in this world by our indoctrinators, the structures that are erected, and laws enacted to guide us in this world, which ultimately shape our personalities and drift some individuals away from their humanity and humility, ultimately from the Self, thus a sense of belonging is lost forever.

The branches of Self should know no iniquities and no archetypes - this should be the nature of our evolution, a personal complete and complementary triplet brand to self. The self in every one of us can be strengthened only through self-belief of where we come from, what we stand for, i.e. Religion, Culture, Ethnicity, without building walls or segregating against anyone or anything in this world. A holistic approach to life is rejoicing in life with its metaphysics, physical and enjoying the nature of all things - stacks of spiritual strength that will build strength in self.

WORD TO A NEW SELF-BELONGING REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

THE CONVICTION IN GOD

Going to church and worshiping God has become an essential and fashionable trend in South Africa. Religion has grown to be a very lucrative and profitable business more especially here at home and internationally. Worshiping God within a congregation (argumentative) is very expensive affair these days. However, whether it is a lucrative and profitable business, it’s certainly not an issue. The problem is, making people conform in what you believe in by force.

South Africa, as many countries in Africa and the world at large has a Religious Diversity, from Zionists, Muslims, Judaism, Buddhists, Traditionalists (or Culturists) and Christians (which fall under - Born-Again Christians, Baptists, Orthodox et al). All these diverse religions have assorted attires and colors that bestow emblems, which distinguish each church from the rest, only sharing a single commonality of the Crucifix(the Pentagram for Judaism). The aim of worship is a sacred trajectory of that one magnanimous, benevolent and omnipotent being, the Alpha and the Omega, Jehovah, Umveliqange - GOD the creator; from these religion, all cordoned and directed by inspirational words from various Holy books: The Bible, The Koran, The Torah, The Book of Mormon, et al - its messages, a directive from the Almighty through prophets or chosen believers of that particular faith.

As individuals, our faith and spirituality conforms, and is derived by one of these Religious convictions but, only by choice of worship in any of the former mentioned Religious convictions. Each choice of worship by tradition is different from any other worship, from congregation to congregation. And a Religious conviction is taught, analyzed, and imbibed by an individual through their own ‘self-perception’.

God loves all his children, with their diverse cultures, nationality, tradition, creed and religious convictions. No one, especially in a Democratic state, governed by a Constitution can be pushed or pulled by force or emotional submission to conform to any of these former mentioned Religions. In South Africa it is our Constitutional right to be followers of any religion, creed or traditional group.

There is no discrimination in the Kingdom of God - only different ways to praise and individual ways to faith. It is an individual’s choice to conform or follow a particular Religious group which, some of us are born into and some of us learn to follow. We as individuals are one in the name of the magnanimous, benevolent and omnipotent being, the Alpha and the Omega, Jehovah, Umveliqange - GOD the creator.
It is our perception to whom and what God is; which separates individual’s religion and spiritual convictions.

There is a popular ignorant belief, which aims to separate puritan cultural groups that have evolved over the past millenniums, to powerful movements that aim to heal the world, through entertainment and artistic accretion, from other religions, to a mere diabolical movement that brings chaos into the world. What lunacy? The Illuminati and the Freemasons, (which can be linked to the church of Scientology) are and have been recognized as masters of lyrical, artistic creativity, architectural and mechanical experts; who chose to congregate themselves through their creed and form of worship.

True faith, in any of the earlier mentioned religious diversity; does not discriminate or shun upon ‘different’ religious groups or religious convictions of any individual or ethnic group. True faith, does not create boundaries or build walls against any individual or ethnic group. True faith, does not seek to break, but aims to build. Real faith does not seek to kill, but aim to heal.

It is my opinion that any man can do as they please with their lives, for as long as they do not KILL, STEAL OR HATE. In forever Love and in forever shining Light - true conviction in God.

WORD TO A NEW RELIGION CONVICTION REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

ALL THINGS READYMADE

My counseling sessions have been spiced up with a mental and characteristic blend of quite interesting young ladies. In many discussions with these submissive, eloquently posed, beautiful women, I have uncovered a variable, yet deep seated emotive drive towards men and life in general. This unforeseen, mind-blowing similar cognitive thinking that has clutched young women’s psychological makeup that they, “Want A Readymade Man”, has wowed my senses beyond my existential being.

Traditionally or culturally for all things that matter, what is known is that; a woman and a man court each other, the man playing the biggest role, before reaching a mutually agreeable position that will enable them to build a relationship, luckily commencing a life together, through hard work, sweat and tears. All things acquired through a strategically planned mutually agreed upon loving relationship.

Now, what is this new premise that young ‘gold-digging’ women are coming up with, “A Readymade Man” In all essence this damn-founded principle makes women seem unrealistic, overtly pretentious, greedy beings in this world. Everyone wants a fabulous life with their loved ones, however if women intentionally pursue men that are readymade – meaning wealthy, then the foundation of love is not there at all, except materialistic in form. What woman in their right senses, wants to have a man that they don’t know anything about, and how they acquired their riches. It is what makes young women pester married women’s relationships with their husbands.

It’s these, “I Want A Readymade Man” young women, that breakup marriages that were built through a long emotional journey, at times a rollercoaster, of sweat and tears, between two people that have a goal with their love and their life. These young women flaunt what married men have been craving from their liaison, promising to be different in every way, enticing a psychologically beaten man, that has forgotten how it feels like to be young, to sink-their-teeth into that apple. “A Readymade Man” seeking a new adventure with their young flashy pick-pocket in hand, playing ‘sugar-daddy’ with a wife and children at home.

Truth be told, it’s really not happening. We all want a brilliantly ‘readymade’ life; however it will not come without working hard and this applies to love and marriage too. Life unfortunately does not come with ‘readymade’ packages of men and loving relationships, these things are built through long conversations, mutual understanding and a lot of compromise by each individual in that relationship, of course accompanied by acting-love.

A friend on Facebook argued that ‘human-beings were not meant to be monogamous’, which is a strong fundamental point, seeing how life has driven women and men apart due to adultery, and a quite argumentative point, with the number of people infected with a the virus around the world, some acquiring it within their marriage.

What young submissive, eloquently posed, beautiful women do not comprehend is that “A Readymade Man” comes with a lot of emotional baggage and deep scars that are mentally glued, which are tough to scrape away. It’s a case of, ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ It’s best to get a new puppy and teach them what you do like, and don’t like whilst adoring them at the same time. Consequently some of your expectations will be met; however it is not guaranteed either.

To all you young spunky submissive, eloquently posed, beautiful women, a ‘Readymade Man’ is, in most cases a marriage man, therefore chasing a kept man isn’t such a good idea. The type of love you will receive will be materialistic and distant from what you had envisaged. Chase personality not material attainment, then the things you wish for in life will reach realistic fruitful fruition. Anyway, the world is filled with people that are chasing paper, orgies and creating broken families, without a care in the wind. Do you want to contribute to breaking up another marriage as a young lady?

WORD TO A NEW NEW-LOVE REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

XENOPHOBIA ATTACKS IN SOUTH AFRICA

Xenophobia is not an exceptional problem to South Africans only; some European countries have in the past dealt with a dilemma of an African Diaspora offering cheap labor to its middle class populous. Those people that aim to exploit people from other countries so that they can get richer, do not comprehend the economic impact felt by a citizenry of a particular country that carry legal documentation and belonging to that particular country by birth, left out for a cheaper option, that has illegal documentation to be in that particular country.

Xenophobia attacks are a Human Rights violation in any country. South Africans are faced with a quandary of finding jobs and fighting cheap labor. Foreign nationals are not to blame for being used as tools of cheap labor, because their destitution is a position of exploitation. Our government is not fully in touch with ordinary South Africans that roam in our streets daily. The South African government must come up with a strategic plan that will benefit hard working South Africans and those who are prepared to build our country, by creating peace in their families and community, thus prosper in their own country.

Government must fully address and solve the Zimbabwe concern as it is the main instigating point to this problem. We as humans cannot let evil reign amongst us, we cannot let fellow Africans die in their own country without food and aid. We cannot kill our brothers and sisters in our streets, when they are fleeing an uncompromising political situation in their own country.

South Africa and South Africans loves our brothers and sisters in our continent; however they must not be utilized as tools of cheap labor, to make South Africans suffer – which makes them wayward in their daily ambles. Let Love reign!

WORD TO THE SOUTH AFRICAN LOVE REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

Heart Breaks of Sibling Rivalry

One subject that has lingered in my life and pestered my existence is Sibling Rivalry, which is said to be: “The often aggressive, contentious interactions between siblings?” Siblings engage in this tenuous struggle for dominance due to the no peculiar reason but jealousy. Jealousy that leads the other sibling thinking that they own and deserve everything that the other sibling, be it brother or sister, has or acquires from their parents or through share hard work.

When one has a sibling, brother or sister, younger or older, that has no self-direction and lacks self-worth and self-discipline in their existence, looks at what their sibling has, thus want to dominate and control their achievements; sibling rivalry turns from a simple game of what’s mine is yours, into a serious life of self-loathing and unnecessary pathos. A life of kinship adversities that is formed and merged by lineage and blood. In some cases leads to murder, due to an uncontrolled parental supervision.

When parents lose the grip on discipline and ignore how their children interact between each other, the often much needed emotional attachment is replaced by material affirmation, which leads to an uncontrolled home environment, which sieves through to our social environment. The brother or sister that thinks that they are more prone to be loved or hated by its parents, ends up thinking that they can takeover and assume the parental role without considering other siblings. Therefore, become the ‘aggressor’ in everything that the other sibling contributes towards their kinship, be it physically, verbally or emotionally.

The extra aggressive sibling, will go out of their way to blame, trick and create squabbles between their siblings and parents. The trickery comes in the form of creating untruths against their brother or sister, taking everything given to their sibling as theirs and destroying it purposely to make the other sibling’s self-worth seems unwanted and trounced. The aggressor is the attention-seeker, always wants attention from its parents in every way and every form, at whatever cost, even if they are wrong in their jealousy crazed pursuit. The aggressor has no self-perception and takes no self-criticism, as a result is blinded by the storm of jealousy brewing within them. There is no peace in the world of the aggressor, only division, finger-pointing and a lot of bickering.

The power struggle for acceptance is what drives a sibling to do things that will disparage their brother or sister from achieving or living their lives in their home, or social environment. Sibling rivalry can be extremely aggravated if the other sibling is talented and has something to contribute to the world. When the aggressor has no voice of their own, they want to take the voice of the one that has it, thus fail to appreciate and acknowledge their shortcoming – you can’t have it all and you can't have power over your siblings.

When it comes to constructing a strong family base, self-control amongst siblings is an important and essential trait. Parents need to understand each sibling for who they are and what they want out of life - give special attention to the sibling that needs it most, and give encouragement to the one that gets it; which will ultimately help in polarizing two or more opinionated minds, each character formulating their own spiritual and mental base in love and light.

Illuminate your home with love, and conversations that will bring clarity and understanding between your siblings. If you have a sibling that hates you for who you are or you hate, try and build a sense of worth by bridging that gap with love and understanding that your sibling will never be you and you can never be your sibling. Alas, your life can never be your brother’s or sister’s, but yours. Eliminate jealousy; eliminate the touchy subject of Sibling Rivalry. In Love and in Light!!!

WORD TO A NEW SIBLING LOVE REVOLUTION!

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

The South African Love Revolution

To build a prosperous nation, we as South Africans need to allow diversity and transparent integration in our beloved nation to give us individual cultural and patriotic growth. Growth can only come if we let our individual love for South Africa reign supreme, regardless of our pigment or cultural ideals. We are South Africans! Our land must give birth to generations that will inspire better technological and environmental change.

Generations that will aim to accrue economic growth and eradicate hate, and poverty in our loving nation, we as a nation must learn to love each other without any racial reservations, exploitations of wealth, criminal or non-criminal, against any South African. Violent action or ignoring our past political indiscretions can never atone our hearts and economic impact suffered by our nation. We are in this boat together, against this ravaging storm of a new social and cultural identity that can only be forged through a love revolution. Love that respects our structural change, love that respects each others’ cultures, love that respects every individual’s choices and personal identity, love that respects our fellow brothers and sisters in our continent and the world at large.

The lives and livelihood of the masses must take precedence over and above any rogue interests by any individuals; more especially political figures and conglomerates that aim to exploit rather than build. Let’s spread our wealth amongst our own and uplift the spirits of those who subscribe to a nation of liberty and peace. The right attitude towards everlasting patriotism and love for our country, we must learn to love each other, without any racial reservations, exploitations of wealth against Africans. No South African citizen should go to bed with an empty stomach. In the world of charlatans, this is a foreign language, as they aim to break the world and not build it. Let’s build our land with love and peace in our hearts.

We are South Africans, we are Africans. This is our Love Revolution!

WORD TO OUR SOUTH AFRICAN LOVE REVOLUTION!

Finding Growth in Life

What does one do when life throws them a curve ball? When everything fails and you can’t find a solution in people that surround you or your environment? Your inner strength is a veritable aspect of who you are and how you deal with the weakest moments in your life. Everyone in this life has their own share of problems, the rich are trying to expand and maintain their riches, and the poor are trying to earn something for survival or to have something in their stomach.

People confuse growth with change – Change is when you acquire outside transformation or material things that make your environment and your survival in those surroundings better, it is when your world adjusts to face new developments or structural change. Change takes decades to come or at time millenniums. Change can be acquired by a revolutionary force, which requires people to help another change their status of being poor to middle class, from no service-delivery to infrastructural development and service-delivery. Change in human being, beside your structural change or status change means changing from being male to female or verse versa, however you can never change your inner self except by growing-up which is inner change.

When you attain ‘growth’ you grow mentally and physically, which is a lifetime process that needs to be maintained throughout your adult life. Inner growth is drawn from all other changing elements or formats in life, which are structural or materialistic – the books your read, your technological gadgets, your form of travel, the type of food you eat, the drugs your take. Inner change which is growth is intangible and can only be see through your actions. A responsible person shows growth in everything they do, thus help transform or change the world or the people around them through ‘transcending love’. Transcending love that is love and light, which comes from within; growth that knows that you can only maintain who you truly are without destroying the world around you - destruction that is gained by people trying to change the nature of things.

Change is what you get outside. Growth is what you get inside. Change is your physical incentive to your spiritual side, which is growth. However it must be noted that physical incentives can never maintain your inner growth. Alas, the world is full of individuals who have attained worldly change, material things and egotistical stature; however their inner side is not content and grown enough for them to be happy with what they have. A greedy person hasn’t acquired growth, yes they have gained change through material staff, but they have not gained growth. Preaching change is the same as telling your congregation to transform - grow literal wings on their backs and people will see them as Angels, that are about to fly to Heaven.

Our children need growth, not change. Yes, they can change to many different social environments, worldly, but they will never attain growth within themselves if as adults they cannot refrain from any form of abuse. As adults, individuals need to maintain their inners growth, which is mental and physical in order to be happy with whom they are.

There are many individuals who think that transformation is for the spiritual and mental. No, the spiritual needs to transcend above the transformation of this world and attain content growth. Growth that is experience in life and about life - growth that assures men and women that beings of love and not hate, beings of joy and not sorrow, beings that need to maintain and not break and change things that need no change. When you attain growth you grow mentally and physically.

To gain proper structural and environmental change, one needs growth - spiritual growth, emotional mental and at times physical growth. Growth comes in many changing formats, which will equal to experience, in relationships, career path, and religious choice. Routine may be best to attain your goals in life. The forces of evil are a part of your emotional pendulum – fight the temptation from within and let the light shine by your actions and choices. It is only in our sacred secrete space, when we reflect on our journey in life, that we experience real growth. Make the right choices!

WORD TO A NEW GROWTH REVOLUTION!

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

Whose World Is It Anyway?

South Africans are perturbed and perplexed as to what their roles are in today’s society. Whose world is it? Men do not know where their abilities and responsibilities lay in this great societal paradigm shift. Women believe that they are still embroiled in the struggle against men and their macho chauvinistic ways, thus they aim at eradicating a man’s role in all social status – a rather superficial view point. Do we want to live in a man’s or woman’s world, or would we rather live in a human world?

The world was created for everyone that walks and breathes in it - a man and a woman, have the right to be what they want to be, by birth and by creed. It all has to do with their pursuit of happiness and how they intend on achieving their dreams or reaching their destiny. This is determined by their upbringing and personal machination, including their love relationships.

Men and women have been engrossed in various discourses about the rights and roles of women and whether they should be allowed in leadership roles in politics and business. Men have been blamed on everything that goes wrong in women’s lives. The global discourse about the rights of women within the public arena, and their role as mothers in their home environment have weakened the parapets that link good hearted men and women further, feeding the bigotry that has long marked women as objects of sexual pleasure and men as ultimate abusers .

Women have played the role of victim for years and have forgotten to reflect on what their role was (in some cases still is), for them to become victims. Acknowledging your role in your relationship and comprehending the type of contribution you bring within your loving-relationship that leads a woman to hating men for what they are, or that leads a man to many other woman’s arms. Some would argue that a loving-relationship is strengthened in the bedroom, conversely relationship victims are created in the bedroom. However the type of promises and expectations that we want our relationships to be can lead to a lot of resentment and finger-pointing, which summons anger between you and your partner. When resentment enters your relationship, respect, trust and honesty dies; and communication channels expire. Some men will fail to see what they had to contribute to their relationship’s demise, and try to quell the arguments with his fists. Not all men use women as punching bags, so they opt to walk away instead of shielding the shouting wars in their bedroom.

The whole argument about women wanting to take over the world started with the type of treatment that their grandfathers gave their grandmothers, what their fathers did to their mothers and why her husband sits in a Tavern for six hours after work before coming home drunk. A little girl watching her mother being turned into a punching bag will grow up loathing men and will expect a similar treatment from men that her mother suffered. As a result, she develops a mental defense mechanism that is acted out towards men.

In the corporate and leadership world, a former victim of abuse aims to eliminate and control everything that is male. An Amazon, a heroine-warrior that will show all men that they are not needed by any woman, except in the bedroom as sexual objects and sperm donors - thence will teach all her women mentors that men are objects to be used in a war against masculine domination. The circle of abuse is now being perpetuated by those who were meant to nurture and protect – creating structures that sideline men.

What about responsible men? Men, who go out in the world, work hard to bring shelter, food and warmth for his children and his wife but, also receive a similar abusive treatment by a woman who cares nothing about his efforts, because her neighbour bought a glamorous car or a opulent expensive ring for her wife – why can’t he do the same? In measuring your man with other men, he seizes to be inadequate to your means and your world, therefore becomes redundant in bringing sustenance, in any form or shape for your livelihood.

Comparing men with women is an impossibly, weirdly tricky task because woman are in the league of their own – women can bear children, women are tender nurturing beings that need assistance from a manly figure that is capable to love, understand and support her, excluding abuse. The democratic struggle against men, which women have created for themselves, is a war that needs to be fought with brains in every level of society without sidelining boys that will grow up and be men. Instead, women should aim negating the stigmas that led to creating this gender bias notion – abuse being an imperative gender separating attributing factor.

A woman in power should gain the same respect and honor as a man in power. It all has to do with character and the leadership qualities that are brought on the corporate or political table. In the same concept, young men deceive the type of mentorship as young women - if their mental ability marches the criterion of being mentored to a leadership role, both sexes need to be given the same opportunities. The world was created for everyone that walks and breathes in it - a man and a woman, have the right to be what they want to be, by birth and by creed.

WORD TO A NEW GENDER DIALOGUE REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

The PROSPERITY of SELF

The type of environment that one shares their love with their partners can make or break their relationship. Society’s norms and values are the constitutional determinants of how an individual perceives their own norms and values, at times even the things that drives them to make wrong choices come from society’s influence. The societal determinants, such as the political environment, economic environment, religious environment or social structure from your particular country; contribute to the types of legacy that your relationships create.

To gain prosperity of self from the type of surrounding that an individual is born in, one needs to understand and acknowledge that they are physical beings that are born and will someday die - leave upon your earthly ‘temple’. When an individual’s psychological make-up flows into the big realms of realism by acknowledging their status of being: who you are, what you are, what your aims in life are and what life offers to you - developing the prosperity of self, and leaving an everlasting legacy becomes easier.

Personal machination in developing the self, is undeniable and a necessary determinant, especial to your cognitive development combined with understanding of the environmental social variable influences that can build your personality or destroy it. Constitutional determinants which are, international and national politics, economics, embargoes, proliferation treaties, global policies and legislation, have an influence on how your personality, meaning the self, is shaped, coupled with the type of individuals that contribute to your cognitive development.

To gain understanding of how the self may prosper in this world, an individual needs to define the type of happiness that they are searching for transcending happiness or transforming happiness. Material-love is the type of love that the physical-self gain in this world after earning a reward from working hard. Material-love or ‘outside conformation’ can never fully fill your life with transcending love and prosperity of self. There are many men and women who attain the riches (material) of this world, but their spiritual side feels drained and robbed, when they reflect on their achievements. However by attaining the true understanding of self and learn to show acting love, without selfish acts – the influences that aim to break you.

The determinant structures or constitutions of this world will form part of your relationships and influence the type of choices that you as an individual will make in determining your future, in spite of this, to attain the true prosperity of self, an individual must be wary off gaining the world consequently lose their authentic-self. The self that is born of love and of light, filled with salvaging-love, which is acting-love.

When there is violence in the streets and in the media, do not come home and perpetuate the same violent acts in your home by abusing your children or your spouse. When your man cannot find a job, do not shout at him and say he is useless, if the corporate structures do not find him adequate enough as a job seeker. When your wife modestly ask you to please assist in cooking or doing the laundry, do not walk away and say, those things are not manly things to do. When the politicians are shouting at each other, do not shout at each other as partners.

At a certain point of your life, assiduous critics and constitutional barriers arise; therefore alter your course to self-worth, self-love and transcending love - killing your willpower, eventually leading to personal moral decay and self-destruction. To prevent this, self-love is an imperative asset, to being a nonconformist to abusive constitutional determinants that work at altering your authentic-self and self-worth.

The prosperity of self is determined by an individual’s ability to withstand influences that lead to physical, emotional and psychological abusive in any societal or constitutional form. Personal machination to self-love, self-worth, acting-love and transcending love is what brings about real life fulfillment in your love life and family environment. The environment may influence you; however it all starts with you, knowing yourself and acting out your authentic-self with hope, prudence, fortitude, temperance, chastity, charity and faith.

WORD TO A NEW PROSPERITY OF THE SELF REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala

Selfish Acts: Playing the Blaming Game

It’s quite extraordinary what individuals go through in their relationships, especially when their union is troubled with constant spats regarding issues in their affair. Some of those issues arise from various expectations and responsibilities that each partner has towards their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend in that relationship. In many relationship-counseling sessions held with various couples from different walks of life, and through discussions with other counselors - many couples’ biggest barrier, that ultimately lead to the relationship’s demise, is blame-shifting.

Blame-shifting is one of the major selfish acts that couples unintentionally or, in some cases intentionally impose, emotionally, mentally or at times verbally towards their partners. When an individual gives away their power and responsibility in their relationship and forget what it means to communicate your aims and intentions within that particular relationship, truthfully and with respect, the blaming game starts surfacing amid their conversations. Finger-pointing, of what the other did or did not do, ether towards their psychological or physical welfare at a certain point in the relationship, can lead to endless emotional, verbal and physical abuse in your relationship.

Blame-shifting in society is generally prevalent towards women and seen as a social norm that men show towards women with slightly different behavioral tendencies, to what constitute a ‘proverbial’ woman. Many women are humiliated in public because, their dress-code commands rape upon them, some women are shamed, because their movements are manly and they fancy the same women that men want. At times, a tendency perceived by society in the streets is emulated by an individual within their close confines - a man that walks away from his child, blames that child’s mother for why he left a fetus that will be child for not being accommodative enough. A boy that makes a young girl pregnant blames the girl for giving him the fruit, or blames other man for putting the hot bun in the oven - An incessant circle of abuse, on shifting the blame from your selfish acts to the next person, for you to flee that particular situation.

During South Africa’s oppressive years, black men were blamed for ill-treating their women, whilst black men themselves were oppressed. Therefore, when the country was emancipated black women blamed black men for placing shackles around them, in all societal spheres, forgetting that the white oppressor had shackles around black men as well as black women on the similar Apartheid plateau. Today black men are blamed for not giving black women a ladder in all business avenues in this country. Are women shifting the blame? Is it the black men to blame for the past-oppressor? Are their black sons to blame for their fathers absconding on them and their family?

Township dwellers, predominantly in rural South Africa, have a tendency of blaming their neighbours of ‘Witchcraft’, which leads to some neighbours shifting their residential problems to people who are not in the least bit concern about what’s happening in their homes. This type of mob, blame-shifting is extremely dangerous mainly due to rumours scattered by a mob of people that dislike a particular person or family, thus branding them heretics - hated by all because they are easy to blame for creating supernatural occurrences that are hard pinpoint or proved to be real.

Individuals seek to escape their blame tendency by creating lies, on top of others lies and try to push the blame to people around them, be it friends, siblings, or their lovers. To take ownership of your own choices and actions of what you become in future is the hardest thing and the right thing to do. In a relationship your partner can only influence you; however it’s your choice to be influenced – if you know that your partners is a drug user, and you allow that partner to be part of your life, then do not propagate blame upon your partner to all and sundry, without analyzing the choices you made in that relationship that turned you into a druggie too – by avoiding the blame that is directed at you.

Even though physical abuse or any form of abuse, for that matter cannot be condoned, an abuser cannot carry on abusing you, unless you allow that abuser to keep abusing you – it may be hard, but walk away, stop blaming your partner for loving you too love and showing his affection by beating you. On the contrary, stop blaming yourself for his abusive tendency. Stop blaming your husbands or wives for not telling them how you really feel about your relationship, the result that led you to commit adultery.

Blaming your partner, friends or anyone in any situation can destroy the solid foundations which formed your relationship. Individuals take physical or psychological escapes by blaming their selfish actions on other individuals, thus fail to own up and mend on their past or immediate abusive selfish acts. Shifting the blame, from what you as an individual had to contribute to your relationship’s demise, is the easy way out. Acknowledge your own faults and fix them - in your relationship your partner can only influence you, however it’s your choice to be influenced. Blame-shifting drives an individual to highways of self-pity, self-worthlessness and makes you a self-protective chronic liar, that doesn’t care about anyone else’s self-love and self-worth; ultimately destroying your own transcending love and self.

WORD TO A NEW BLAME ACKNOWLEDGMENT REVOLUTION

By Linda Sakazi Thwala